Here We Go
by cbassluv
Summary: Vanessa's inner turmoil as she returns to New York from her internship in Haiti. One Shot.


She wrung her hands over and over again as the plane began to descend. It had been a harrowing flight home and she felt exhausted. Anxiety had kept her from sleeping, and for a while it was the beginning of her internship all over again.

It had been an endless cycle of emotions.

She was angry. Angry that this could be happening to her. Again. Angry that Dan had betrayed her. That he hadn't even waited 48 hours to turn on her. This was not the Dan she knew. The Dan who walked the straight and narrow even when it seemed everyone would turn on him. The Dan she'd known 15 years who had never consciously hurt her. This was not him.

And from there she would get angry at the UES. She needed to blame someone and it only felt right to blame _them._ With their trust funds and penthouses. She didn't care that he was more or less a part of it now. He would never be one of them, no matter who his father married. How simple had all their lives been before the Humphreys got involved with spoilt rich kids with absolutely zero loyalty? Sure, they had their good points, and hell, she'd gone ahead and dated one of them but still, it's not like that had ended wonderfully, she would think sadly.

And that's where the depression would kick in. She was miserable. She was all alone now. She had no-one. Dan was supposed to be her rock in New York. The one she'd come back for. And now she couldn't even trust him. Where had all of this gone wrong so quickly, so easily? Was it because of all the issues they had as a couple? Why didn't he say anything? Why had he told her to go for this job if he wasn't going to be faithful? She was willing to stay and work it out. She knew they were made for one another, and she thought he felt the same way.

Apparently their love was not worth fighting for.

Cue the wry amusement. Her lip would crack up with a bitter smile as she thought of blonde, buxom Serena van der Woodsen, with her bright blue eyes and the demeanor of a Labrador retriever. It always came back to her, didn't it? She couldn't fault him for being attracted to her. Nate had the same features.

Oh Nate, she thought. He'd been her one shining star from the whole ordeal. The only one she'd spoken to from NY all summer. She would be ever grateful to him for sending her the details of the Gossip Girl blast. He'd called her many days later to find out how she was doing. She was doing horribly. Despite knowing that she knew, she hadn't heard from Dan. He'd tried calling her the day of the blast and hadn't bothered calling her again.

And it broke her heart.

Nate had sounded surprised, angry even. And it almost seemed like he knew something and wasn't telling her, but she never pushed it. She was just grateful to hear a friendly voice. They'd talked about her internship, which was better than she'd hoped, and he'd talked about his exploits in the city now that he was single and living the life. Neither of them discussed Dan or Serena. It had been the giant elephant in the room for a while, but by the third phone call they'd gotten over it. They spoke with an ease they'd never quite mustered when they were dating, and she figured it was because the edge had been taken off. They were friends now. It was best that way. While chatting on occasion with Nate had been delightful, she had to admit she missed talking to Dan. She missed him so much it almost hurt. His wit, and rambling and dry humour. This was the first summer in a while where things had been tense between them and she felt the emptiness even more now that she was miles away.

She supposed it was for the best. Her work and the distance had gradually helped get over the madness, and she was actually glad she hadn't been around to see his face. She had a hard time resisting those huge brown eyes looking all mopey at her.

He'd finally mailed her a few weeks after. His mail had been chock full of apologies and excuses and ramblings. As she'd read through it, she could almost see him saying the words and she'd fought back tears as the emotions came rushing back. Her eyes had darted to the stationary he'd given her before she left.

The one they were supposed to use to write each other. She'd opened it one particularly miserable night, and just for kicks she'd written a long letter about her week, telling him about the people she'd gotten to work with with, the things she'd gotten to do. How she'd even met Anderson Cooper once. He was so charming. How she missed him and couldn't wait to get back into his arms again. She'd even included some of the dirty stuff he'd suggested. By the end of the letter, she'd been smiling, grinning almost. She'd signed off with a 'I Love You', her hands heavy with regret. She'd never even gotten a chance to tell him that in person. Maybe she should have. Maybe he hadn't believed she loved him the way he loved her. The letter had been slowly folded and placed in the box. She never planned to send it. And she never did.

She'd gotten to the end of his mail, where he said he'd kept from mailing her because something huge had happened. The desperation was almost apparent in his words. Something else had gone down beyond the Serena thing and he was scared and confused. She wasn't sure if he was playing the sympathy card, and it annoyed her even further. Part of her felt that Dan wasn't a liar, and wouldn't just pretend to be in trouble so she'll feel bad for him, but the other part, the scorned woman part, reasoned that Dan had recently proved he wasn't as upstanding a person as he claimed to be, and she really couldn't trust him.

The scorned part won, and she'd ignored his mail, irritated that he'd tried to brush over what he'd done with something as unimportant to her as another Rufus and Lily fight. He'd never told her what the thing was, saying he needed to talk to her in person. After that, and one last phone call she never answered, she never heard from him again.

While realistically, she didn't expect him to keep trying to speak to her all summer, she was disappointed he didn't. That he'd given up so easily.

She'd fallen out of touch with Nate too. And that's where the loneliness kicked in. As her internship came to close, it became replaced by fear. She had to return to New York and face him. She had no idea what was going on in the city and she became concerned that her refusal to communicate properly with Dan would have succeeded in pushing him back into Serena's arms for sure. Maybe that's why Nate had stopped calling. She wasn't sure she would be able to handle coming back to this again. It had been hard enough the first time. What would he say to her? Would he still expect them to be friends?

Could they be friends? After this? She really didn't think she could do it. Watch him be happy with _her_ the way he hadn't been with Vanessa. And she felt like he would have to be out of his mind to expect her to.

It had been her fault. She should never have allowed this relationship to happen. She should never have let the threesome happen. She had worked hard to keep Dan at arm's length emotionally for so long. But she'd caved to those damn eyes. She'd allowed herself to embrace the feelings that she thought she'd buried but never quite gotten rid of. He'd convinced her that this would work this time, that he wanted this. That they should give it a try.

_And even if we go up in flames, at least we know we got burnt trying._

The thing was, it seemed she was the only one that got burnt and it made her resent him.

And then she was angry again.

That was her summer; that was her flight home. The plane touched down, and with nervous hands she got off the plane and into the airport. She wasn't expecting anyone to come pick her up. She hadn't even allowed her sister, who had made the now rare appearance in NY to come see her. She didn't want anyone to know she was back. She needed some time alone. Some time to prepare herself for the inevitable. As she dragged her suitcase out of the busy airport, she wondered if that was such a good idea. The last time she'd made a surprise appearance she'd found Dan locking lips with Serena.

Well, at least now she knew what to expect.


End file.
